” Reflections .. “

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It’s like we just can’t help our selves , cause we don’t no how to back down living in this life . I see what I do ,but I see others around me pretending there lives are perfect when in fact they are just as stuck as me , love does it exist? . If we were only meant to love one person in our lives why do people have affairs ? walk away from the people who care most , I think love is a very over used word , I think love is nothing to do with words but the connection you have with some one .  It easy to meet some one and tell them couple days later that you love them though it is meaningless some people will go along and pretend others will walk on and keep searching .

I suppose every one has different way of dealing with issues in there life some go quiet or get mad, but I am defiantly,  one of those people who can’t easily hide my emotions I think if I did I wouldn’t be able to get with my life it would suffocate me. I love life though how boring it would be with out the drama and fun , highs and the lows , I think if you don’t live life to the fullest then you will just live in regret , you can’t please every one it as simple as that , you should do what makes you happy and not things to please other people .

You can look out the window and you see people getting on with there every day lives looking totally happy in there bubble , but we don’t see the tears maybe from the woman across the road from when her boyfriend comes home and beats her , it’s like everyone is living an undercover life .

I always try to make sure my life is in some kind of order , With master order is a bit hard but I like the challenge , he keeps me on short lease . If I didn’t see him though how would my life change would I settle for something I don’t really want in my life . I been there and tried it wasn’t enough not like I said earlier no connection . I think answers like that are unknown , we can’t predict the future but we can control what happens here and now in our lives.

Talking of my life right now Master suggested I started webcam diary for men who have a foot fetish ..crazy I know , I really don’t know were he gets his ideas from , he wants me to parade around in sexy high heels for other men’s pleasure , playing with my feet and rubbing my fingers through my painted toes , sliding them together. Ok it is sexy looks good and feels good but have to share my feet with lots of strange men does not appeal to me though , he did mention I would get presents i.e new shoes!! . an to be honest what girl does not what new heels bought for them , god knows how much money I have spent on shoes in my life we are talking way past four figures on shoes. But I know about the risky side to all that , the stalkers , the emails I would probably end up getting , Jesus I write a blog and get lots response so I can imagine what doing some thing as slutty as that would bring , hmmm I do like thought of it but going through it well it is a completely different game. think I will leave that idea in the pipeline , master probably of thought of another idea for me soon .

Master though just makes me want to go umm ,umm ,ummmmm he has the power his love is so cruel though it just makes me want to beg for more . He takes me down to lowest place possible but he does give me what I need if I am good girl , I haven’t always played the part well being told what to do takes time to get used to it is something you learn in time , though it wasn’t always like this we did start off just normal dating now it is erm , I not sure I don’t think there is name for it open relationship on his part not mine . It complicated but so is life .

Some days it is really easy to write and just flows bit like today , past few days I just could not put finger tips to keyboard so to speak . I think some time you have look at the bigger picture of life especially as you grow up , your future becomes more important you relies your family are always there for you when others are not ,you learn to appreciate the good things in life you survive weather it on your own or with people you love most , I am lucky to have lots people who love and care about my well being , but I also find it important to have independence and not to reline on others all the time everybody should be able to go and get what they want out of life , I by no means have got all I want yet , I made mistakes when I was younger that probably changed my whole life .

I had the career the life and swapped it for nappys and no life, it has only been past few years I managed to get rid of the negatives in my life and change it around I am getting there slowly , there lot of things I would like to do though travel maybe , see the world , try new things . Well which ever path I take it because I choose too , I can live with that , I think goals are important in daily life without being focused your just going to be stuck , I see it all the time people I know still were there where 10 years ago , I will not be one of them people . 

I always up late thinking lately have I made the wrong decisions , is this right road to take but now I feel so alive , I can feel the fire burning deep with in my soul ,struggling for perfection , when I feel need some guidance and I no the road is frighting ,I am going to make it on my own , because no one is going to do this for me . 

What tomorrow brings no one knows but I will no one thing for sure and if I fail at least I know I did it on my own.

 

 

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” Girl unobserved ..”

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Your casting these shadows were they shouldn’t be, it may seem to you all that I am in place , where I am losing direction of my life but I’m sure this nothing but a phase? but I would rather pretend and I’ll still be there at the end .

Master has been so mean to me really this week not care about my feelings or what he is doing ,I get told off for being too much and so I leave him alone get told too quiet can’t win , so this weekend he came over his usual charming self and then I asked him what he had been up to , I really wish I hadn’t he told me that night before he slept with 2!!! different women. I did think he was just winding me up like usual till he shown me the texts . 

I felt, I’m not sure how I felt gutted would be one way of describing it as he sat there telling me about his night , it all kind off drifted over me I didn’t really listen . I just couldn’t if I did I would of cried I think , like I know he is my master but do I have to seriously put up with that too , if you ever want to make another person feel like there nothing he went the right way about it . In some ways I felt disappointed for master really because he is worth so much more then that to sleep about with random strangers , making himself feel he is in charge of his own life . When really he is just lowering his standards to the women he is forever slagging of calling slags . He is just putting himself up there with them.

It been so long now since I been with anyone else apart from master I don’t see way out this vicious circle , But I don’t want get out of it you all no I like the name calling , the way we are when we’re together . Like even after we he finished telling me about what he did , it was like I was at cross roads wanting to please him still or just showing him the door!!. Foolish you may say but I pleased him for my own selfish pleasure and his I suppose and put what he had told me to back of my mind . Master knows what I think , well I hope he does by now and knows I’d never push him away . 

I tried discussing to master about weather it best I started seeing some one know , because if he really don’t see me in his future . I don’t want to get left behind as such . Though it was pointless conversation as all I got was if you see some one you have tell them master comes first and they would have to go if he wanted to come round! , Like what other men would put up with that erm none?? is the answer.

Though master did say maybe get myself a little slave but I don’t do lots of different men , I be good for one man and that’s it, But I did push him about it just to see what he said and he wouldn’t tell me website names any way . What was he scared of me going off with some one else ? maybe or maybe because he probably on all the sites going who knows .

Master also sat there showing me more photos of girls stuff like that I hate him for , making me jealous , stuff like that does make me worse , I don’t want to be in competition with other girls I should have my own place in his life , though I know he gets bored easily and not sure if more he likes the getting to know some body ,working them out, making them fall to his knees like a god a bit like what he did to me , though I lasted long run it goes for something right? ,it like he just can’t help himself any more is he really that messed up from his previous relationships he doesn’t see what he does to him self , this is his life and my life and some where in all this there is different way out of it all .

Like he has this idea of some girl he showed me being category A material , he has not even slept with her yet and I can already tell he be bored in couple of weeks of her , you can tell she won’t understand him the way he is , way he likes sex , the things that turn him on she won’t ever make his legs shake , and give him the life he deserves and what he wants, I’m not saying I could either but I no master .

I do feel pretty hmm down a bit today not from master but from other people in my life , Just feel like if I moved on and settled down with some one , how are they going to react surely it my life and I do as I please. Of course id still be there for them and do stuff but what if I want my time , it like I feel biggest guilt ever and shouldn’t be like that really , maybe less time and more me time should happen for while , saying that as I said in one of my other blogs  moving away could be an option, and i received an email last Thursday about chance to move up north with a job transfer as well , I declined only because I just paid out for house renovations , typical .

I really can not some up my feelings at the moment , with master and life and work . I don’t get much escape from it though yesterday I did go for a long ride in the countryside there is something so magical about riding a horse as fast as you can and nothing stopping you , everything stops you forget the pressure of everything that going on in your life . It is the one time aside being with my children that it is all perfect .

I do feel like the girl unobserved though , just something in the background seen and not heard and when I speak my opinions to master he just brushes them off worthless words really , it strange because I wasn’t angry when he told me all the things the other night , just felt let down by him again and carried on being his good girl like he wanted , that what he wants off me right and that’s what he will get.

” what if the storm ends??…”

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What if the storm ends, and I don’t see you this means nothing just a memory just an echo. I don’t want to run just over whelm me , I want to see you as you are now .

I thought it was love but memories scope the lies , that lead me far from here trying hard to silence all you say but you stay in my ear, because everything you didn’t want became part of me , all the things you asked for I just could not see .

Every thing you are left a broken heartbeat but through the darker shades of Gray I see the light . You are my master , sleeping alone I cried out for you in my dreams and it don’t matter how hard I tried to change you, all you changed was me.

Like I said in my blog time i grew up and realised that acting childish get you no where not that i did things on purpose , I would never intentional hurt any one. 

I love this time of day at work so quiet  you really get time to think an plus I get to write undisturbed which is great . It amazing how having master can make you feel it is like the alpha male there nothing higher , the commands and demanding of pleasing is good feeling it like you good deed for day kind of feeling .

My master has a fetish for my heels , he wants to feel them push up against him , slowly graze across his throbbing man hood , ( i would go into more details and use dirtier words but this is not a porn book ) . What is it ?? it my memoirs when I’m old and grey I can look back and read it maybe remember the good times maybe even show my grandchildren who knows ha .

As I was saying the heels!! I like sending master photos of me wearing them I know how much it pleases him , to no my soft toes and feet are inside a killer heel it is one of most sexy things to picture really . Every one has there own perception on what makes good sex some of you like the touch the feeling , the look ,teasing ,size so forth it different for everyone. Sometimes the art of good sex is the unawareness of it for example , maybe a slight scratch on his arm or back as he lies  there next you or the look where you just bite your bottom lip, gives him the sense of your sexual willingness towards him just simple things like that.

I think if you know your other sexual partner well enough this all becomes really fun and you can do it any time any where to be honest. Lets face it the idea of after few years in all relationships it all becomes a bit monogamous the sexual side and if both partners have a high sex drive but can not get what they want of each other any more it becomes pointless. We have all been there when it becomes nothing more then a chore , the day I start comparing mine and masters sex life to that I’d rather do the cleaning is a day I’d start to worry .

Though I truly think sex is not every thing in a relationship as sometimes it being there for each other and the fun and funny times you have together , I think men have a perception that when women send them messages or tell them about important things or saying how bad there day been they see this as “moaning” but it really the girls trust in him to be able to tell him anything yes? I am no psychologist by all means but I have lived and it just general thing you pick up when you talk to your friends listen to them and there problems .

My friends perception of this is that i am crazy and tell me master is a user , but i Don’t care about the other women he tells me about because as long as he is good to me , I be good to him . It does get deep and crazy sometimes but you take highs and lows learn from mistakes make it right , make it better , make it sexier , darker feel the lust , feel the morals leave your mind as master walks through the door you just want be to down begging , wanting him looking up to his eyes as my halo disappears just for minute you get lost in the moment , he looks down on you as worthless whore you see the darkness in his eyes , he pulls your hair back pushing you down not wanting to see sluts face like mine , how can i compare that to anything else . I can not is the answer, I do want him to over whelm me put me down with the lowest of low and serve his every need , it like the girl every one else knows and sees disappears for a split second and i do become the girl his slave , his toy . 

So I hope this storm does not pass any time soon . I want it , this is me now life is for living right?? I want to be controlled in this way it is not hurting any one it found us , like I found you .

” you shoot me down but I will not fall….”

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Looking back on my life I see constant pattern really of failed relationships , 9/10 it wasn’t my fault . I think it is the men I have met in my life , actually who I let in my life. Maybe I am so used to being not in control it normal to me . I get criticised for way I put up with things . I find it hard to be in relationship if I am the more dominating partner .

I end up getting bored , losing focus even if he treats me like a princess!! . What does that say about me as a person ?? I think I turned bullet proof now . Some of my friends call me “heartless” as a joke but even they see it . I need start thinking about where i want my life in few years time . I know I’m alone but I’m not lonely if you understand at the minute but I would hate to feel lonely when I am older .

I have started to wonder what enjoyment master gets out of using a sub slave like myself it not like we see each other all the time or even spend lots of time together, Is it that fact he knows no one else be touching me and it just him who gets to use me at his free will?? . I think I might beg him tell me one night hehe.

So today I noticed after talking to a close friend that we all get similar enjoyments out of being naughty and having sluttish ways even,  as she was telling me this morning about naughty encounter she had , I can’t go into too many details on here ,but it made me feel not so bad about what I do .

I bet there is loads women who do what I do , well maybe not so much game playing that aside it does get real, and emotional for me especially when you know nothing will ever come of it that were I get the sad feeling from , but master is so masterful when he wants to be and does give me what I want (sometimes) . 

I look at my friends life’s and think do I want the 2.4 perfect family in some ways I do and others I don’t , could I start family life all over again . I think I would for right person and in a stable relationship and when I say stable I mean rock solid!! . I do want too fall in love one day again but for some one who treats me way they would want be treated . 

Do I love master?? , I think I did fall in beginning but soon realised there was no feelings on his part long time ago it was unrequited love I think how can you love some one when they don’t love you back . Master is a intelligent guy he probably knew how easy it would be get me under his spell . Teach me his wicked ways I probably enjoy the domme side more then he does now. Strange really how it works out , I can defiantly say this time last year I would not of thought twice about having a master  , it is still hard to get to grips with now and I have been doing it quite a while .

Sometimes I do wish we started things the right way, I did try believe me I did, but we knew it was inevitable ,we had built up such feeling of wanting each other even before we had met it kind of the way it works on dating sites . The text messages sent finding out what each other like , the wondering what it like too feel each other, touch and kiss then when you end up meeting and this is what’s on your mind along side the general chit chat of learning about each other . 

I think that why I not really keen on the dating sites it not real , you will have doubts if one of you stay on the site and how can you build on trust that you can’t with out trust a relationship is worthless. To meet a nice stranger is exciting ,too take the chase is what a lot people I spoke to enjoy about dating sites. Gives you that sense of butterflies and a rush but with every rush and high there is a low.

I’m sure some people will have different experiences with the dating on line , some good ,some bad I can only go on what i hear , been told and experienced myself .

Who knows maybe I will get it right one day 🙂 xx

 

 

” a short insight …”

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If there is one word to some up today it be ” long ” .. Getting into bed is best feeling ever today . I didn’t think clock at work was ever going to get to home time.

Also today at work i had to put up with countless times of Dr.?!!?!!!  trying to catch a glimpse down my top! , i resorted to putting a cardigan on . Are all men the same peverted and flith ?! Haha .

I think it time i showed my side of the story , to get me through the working day master and i contact each other .

He was telling me today ” how he is in charge and would be reward and tease me for good behavior .. But would punish for Indescrations ” .. This was getting me turned on.

Then started telling me if i disobey him , i would have to suffer the conscequences .. I replied in what way? . For him to shortly reply “A firm hand on your ass or maybe
some thing more demanding  “.

By this point i was so turned on answering simple phone call at work was an effort in it self.

Master started getting flither and said. ” an if you continue your bad ways i may have to spit on you in order for you not look at me and if you tried touching you self or me!!.. Id have to tie you up to teach you lesson and laugh at you “.

Now it things like this that keep me begging for more , begging for master in fact .

You can’t think about emotions or what he done in the past.. You don’t think when it like that . You want to be on your knees hearing him call you slut as you let him use you n take your mouth .

As the messages got more and more intimate he just stopped, telling me Im not worth his time and how i am just fuck slut to him.. And that he Will see me and other sluts!! .

I know what your thinking .. But there is part of me that likes thought of him using these sluts and me being only one he has control off .. Or maybe he has domain full of girls like me?  which ever it still makes my heart race and my knickers wet .

Im going to please master when i next see him .. I won’t tell you Now but when it done i Will write it in my blogs. 

Also today master made it very clear i am not allowed to see some one else he would never see me again !! .. I told him id be a good girl and obey, which pleased master ( i think ) .

Being submissive one in a relationship of any kind is defiantly the harder role .. Whilst to domme it simple set orders and demands . The submissive one has lot more of hard work too do.

For example .. One night master wanted me looking like a real slut so ordered an outfit . On the night it was me who spent time and effort making myself look like a whore .

I wore tight leather basque top with short matching skirt , i say skirt more of a belt . Followed by putting on crutchless fish nets ..and highest black heels that impossible to walk in. I spent time doing my make up darkest black smokey eyes n red lips.

I certainly did look like a whore!!.. When i called master up he was amazed pleasing him was a great feeling . We defiantly had lots of fun that night .

But as i was saying the sub slave making the effort were master reaps the rewards and laps it up.

I think that is just way it works though .. And feelings i have for him are irelevent really .

I kind of person who cant keep emotions hidden if it annoying me i would rather get it off my chest . Lies and emotions i can not do.

I suppose everyone has times like these though .. Im sure there are plenty of girls un aware of being dommed in sex and men use it to there advantage .

Like this whole 50 shades thing .. Now that is unrealistic to what really goes in the domination . I sure this clearer picture of what happens and misery and pain that goes along with having a master , but it them raw feelings keep it going .. Twist and turns in fact it is like the forbidden fruit .

It so wrong it’s good!! if you follow me , some times i feel stronger for doing it ,other times i feel worthless just like master says .

Some days i think you only get one life and you should take chances from it. What if i was not do this would i regret it yes probably . I glad i choose too carry on being his little slut slave as i don’t want to live with regrets . Even though i know it Will continue to cause some upset but when your master calls you obey!!.

And on that note i Will finish for today .until tomorrow xx

” a quick note “

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Well i woke up this morning in quite good mood .. Sitting at my desk at work . Just thinking of things through my head , maybe i should let master go and start to move on .

Like why does he do things he does too me. When all i want to do is please him and make him happy . I get sick same thoughts running through my head , uno yesterday he suggested we invite another man round so they can have “happy ending” over my pretty little face . I don’t know what take serious some times with him. I asked him his plans over weekend he going hiking in peak district . It alright for him , he can get away and forget , I can’t .

Im expected to just sit and wait like a good little girl or slave which ever way you want to take it.

My friend at work keeps asking why i not been out dating .. How do i explain what is going on ? I can’t i just told her i enjoying a bit of me time . It not the truth but not really a lie either .

I wonder how much he thinks of me in the day , not alot i should imagine he probably thinking which part of leicestershire to visit next for a plenty of fish date!! .

Hmm i just want him to myself. Just like he wants me too his. Xx

” does that make me crazy??….”

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It true you can get addicted to certain kind of sadness , I do read into every word he says and it is draining me.

Today in conversation with him we spoke about my ” roles”  he was very clear and precise about what I am needed for sexual favours of the very sluttish kind , I have never had man talk to me in such a way as he does so over powering by a simple text message .

How is that even possible , to feel such a connection and not even be together but there some thing so pleasant about it and the feeling I get . Does that make me crazy?? possible .

Like really who does he think he is!! , telling me not to see other men yet it fine for him to start seeing others telling me because I’m not worth it!! yet I can not see who I please . I don’t understand why he is keeping me like that . Is that the power he wants too have over me . Keeping me to himself like his property thinking about it I suppose I have become his . 

I remember a while ago I said to master once ” your like a good book , I like to pick you up and put you down as i please”       .  My how the tables have turned on me I certainly did not see it coming. At the beginning when we first started seeing each other it wasn’t like this . It as if he kind of trained me this way as the weeks went by I had falling more and more deeper in the darker ways of how he enjoys things and started to enjoy it my self .

How he expects his women to be for him , I am not actually sure if this is first time he done this or I am just one in a long line, I should ask really it just never popped up in conversation . Master has been single for long time though . An saying if he did meet some one else would he be able to stop what he does in fact he enjoys it ,  he would be lien to himself and would not be happy deep down if he had to pretend to another girl he was not like it and didn’t enjoy things like this  , if your not 100%  honest with your self then you can’t be 100% honest and some one you have met if that makes sense. 

Lies have a habit of being found out that is the way world works, I think if I started to try and find what he tells me are lies are truth I think I would go insane lol , some things are best left unsaid and I will just be patiently waiting for him to tell me what he wants .

I am not sort the person who walks away so easily, I am here to make the difference I can make too both our lives Some how , I still have a lot to learn though the art of being a complete slut I think I got grade A in that , but the doing as your told and just be there when he wants I find hard still, it is a learning curve maybe he needs be a bit tougher on me .

At least we haven’t crashed and burned it coming up to 9 months now , it gone really quick , though one thing is I could not imagine him not in my life now . I do want him to stay even though he tells me I am nothing to him . I can not help way I feel from moment wake up  till I go too bed he is there lurking in back of mind , winding the cogs of my mind.

People say you should listen with your gut feeling and not your heart , but I think with both . Am I so wrong for doing what I do ?? Do I bring all this emotion on myself?? Why are these answers never easy to find . Sometime I feel pulled in different directions by it all, one minute I fine and forget and then next, I am a complete mess and have a meltdown . 

If master read this now he probably be laughing so much thinking how pathetic and low I am like a worm he would say in fact , But how else do I get through it . It is impossible to stop emotions happening in life it is normal and natural . 

Though I never really see master emotions he is very laid back, I know he is man and most men don’t but he is very good at keeping all the cards close to him self but isn’t the game of life about not so much holding on to a good hand but playing a poor hand well .

All answers on postcard I think because I don’t know how to be fine when I’m not ,,, Until tomorrow xx Image

“I’m talking loud..not saying much”

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Master cuts me down but it him who has further to fall.. i have nothing to lose in this , that the way I am starting to feel . I spoke to master today he loved telling how he did leave mine and go to some fat heffas house and even told me what he did!!.

An once again i felt feeling with the “why” feeling , what would a girl like that have that i haven’t??.

He has thing for larger ladies actually is a little fantasy of his , im sure he sits watching big women on the net most nights he has few fetishes but will just mention this one today. I think it the feeling of knowing most are easier to get into bed and more likely try harder to please him , where as prettier model type girls don’t give as much once again a feeling of power and control he gets he can be harder and rougher with the bigger girls too.

I told him today how disguisting he was today and his reply was “that what she said hehe” always trying see the funny side , but he knows exactly what i thinking .

I think if it wasn’t for support of my good friends , i would probably react alot differant though they tell me too cut all ties with him , but when your in this, it’s not situation you can just walk away from , he pushes every button i have and pulls me down!!.

Master also texted and said “it what i deserve im pathetic”  i told him “it you who makes me like this” , I must be I thought ?? for him to say it so often . I wonder how he will think this will all end , him getting girlfriend maybe? or me leaving him I think I would have to disappear for while if i did just to get him out my system , I don’t think just replacing him for a boyfriend would work .

As I already tried that maybe time out always works best new start , another thing that really upset me lately he been saying how he is going to start hitting on my best friend , she is my closest friend in the world, I would trust her with my life , he thinks he has that much power he would just message her,,, and message till he can gets to meet her . The thought of it makes me sick that he thinks that way ,though my friend tells me every thing any way and she would never do it , sometimes I feel like I add all this pressure on to her sometimes. I know her views but who do I tell I would not trust any one else. I just don’t understand why he want to hurt me in such a bad way .

Master should know that when some things like that happens it has a ripple effect not just hurting people involved but also people around us . I think girls like me get criticise a lot for putting up with it in a way it not the first controlling man I have had in my life my ex partner was controlling but his way was different to masters .

There are fun times though ,we do make each other laugh so much in a way we are on the same level , we have similar tastes in life , I’m sure if master read this he would be thinking she is not on my level she just worthless on no level cause this is how he thinks!!

Sometimes I wonder what it be like to inside his mind , what makes him tick i no most things ??  Is he as strong minded as he makes out to be ?? .. I know I am strong minded to be here 8 months later proves I am ,also proves I’m stupid haha.

I have been through so much in my life I think it takes a lot to make me crack , OK emotional outbursts aside but I take as good as I get .

Words can be powerful things though it like he making the label on me and making it stick in a way , there so many ways I could be about this whole situation. I tried ignoring him that don’t work , cutting ties didn’t work either but then I find my self wanting him , it like going to a sweet shop and not being able to have any . Then you have one sweet and want more if that makes sense . It does give you sense of being naughty though I do love that ,just wish all other complications weren’t there but that is the life I am making, my choices is way you have to see it , well time to get on with things life goes on . Until tomorrow xx

“just a feeling”

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Waking up this morning , he was on my mind it thought of thinking he was probably with that little slag last night it gets me so mad!! .

It times like this when i feel like turning the tables showing master , i don’t need to wait around for him but a rule for him and another for me something i forgot to mention on last nights blog. Was that whilst we were sitting in the pub he said “if he got a proper girlfriend” we would have to cut all ties ??!! .

Now i know that, i feel like seeing other people because what going to happen probably a text of master telling this one day and all this hard work go down the drain and i left with no one, alone springs to my mind is that something i want . I’m not sure how thinks I’m going to react over it saying it did happen , he has a delusional thought of me chasing him if it did happen . I no one thing i would not , he would be deleted out my life for good , if there one thing i do believe in is not hurting others and would feel to guilty .

I’m tired of thinking , waiting , when i was away on holiday couple weeks ago as mentioned in my first blog i sat on edge of the cliff just looking out to sea reflecting on way my life is heading ?? .

Ok i have good job it career 4 years down line i probably be practice manager as i work for NHS , an my two children have grown up to be independent , clever , and have morals . What more could i ask for !!.

It quite strange as well also in pub last night we sat talking about where we would like to live , it amazing we both sat there saying same thing , both want to move same part of country ,  kids and dogs and amazing view would do us yet he don’t see me in his view .

I going to message him this morning im going ask where he stayed last night , i think already know…. we will await and see.

“ And it feels like jealousy…”

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All the things I say and do to master , im starting to feel like there pointless . I mentioned about me doing a blog he just laughed . Its like he loves to see me humiliated what kind of man enjoys it ? He does it gives him power the control knowing he can have me on my knees .

So humiliation some of you may not know what entails so let me explain in basic terms ,humiliation does not have to be sexual it power of one partner having the control to make other feel you demeaned and feeling of self worth this can be done any where don’t even have to be together weather it public , texting , online or in the bedroom . I would certainly say it is one of the strongest kind of form of sexual foreplay as mentally it can be so hard on you . I know this from my experiences with master but it has it rewards the praise when you know you have pleased that is good feeling .

This blog is the one bit of control I have and he can’t it take it away really , the problem with me is I don’t think sometimes and just say first thing comes out my mouth usually when I get upset though id never say the things I do to his face.

I wish I had saved our countless text messages they would make good reading , I might start doing that and then you can see how dominating it gets betweens us. I have lost track on the countless times I have said goodbye.

Some of worse things he does is when he starts telling me about other women he has slept with while he is with me of course we find it funny at the time but then it me left thinking .

I know I making him sound really bad , but im sure if he was allowed his opinion he would say few things about me lol. I know I could give up , move on find some one who will treat me as I treat them , but then ask my self is it enough to keep me happy , am I so used to this now I enjoy it , I would say bit of both . I have told him this that I should let go and start seeing other people but master got all defensive on me saying things like ..you have lied you said you wasn’t sextexting any one and you think grass is greener again!! .

I hadn’t lied past few months I have been as good as it gets no sexting ,nothing just him. I wanted him to fight for my corner he didn’t which says it all really . I think master has the image of perfect girlfriend , she would be 23/24 years old , good looking single , no kids , likes outdoors basically the girl of country track on bbc1 haha . Though that’s never going to happen if it does ,well I will take it all back all the things I have said .

Uno I read into every word he says weather he calling me pathetic !!? , I am for letting it happen I suppose but then there a feeling I just can’t get rid of , it not the sex or his looks that keep me wanting him more , it way he thinks way he lives his life , the way I catch him looking at me , things he tells me , I no I over read it though like what do I have to offer him?? ,, actually I have lots things but none that make me stand out from other girls in his eyes . How perfect does one person need to be . I let him use me , my home , then when I don’t see him I get jealous now ,, and jealousy is evil thing epically if he has not told me were he is things like that?, why is that ?? I don’t even no the answer yet.

Yesterday I seen master , I had arrange for him to come round he said it be late !!, well late wasn’t half of it ..I stayed up till 11pm and got bored of waiting and got in bed… then 1am he texts say he is on his way . Unbelievable really , well actually it wasn’t worse is he came in I asked where he had been he said been on date!! it really does not surprise me any more , he even showed me a picture of her nothing special a bit like the other girls he had seen . I could feel myself getting upset , I just closed my eyes and thought what a prick!! .. though ten minutes later we’re laughing and joking as if nothing had happened .

Then he started demanding i do things to him, which for once I did hesitate for only for a minute but of course caved in from his orders. Soon after we fell sleep together it was quite comforting spooning up together its the only time I get with him .

With out him belittling me , for a moment it feels real like how could be feeling him up against me , his strong arms round me , then I wake up and it like it was all dream bang reality hits .

So after waking up together , spending the morning together ,, master calling me names during sex a good one “was your just pathetic little slag “ it did turn me on though .

Then after master had to ruin things by sitting there telling me all these girls names he been seeing this week, it made me feel sick,jealous he has no morels , OK honesty is good but maybe I don’t need to hear though I do want to know if that makes sense .

I sure your all sitting reading this thinking girl you are crazy , maybe if I was ugly and didn’t have things going for me id agree!! but I do so bordering crazy maybe lol .

I also seen master tonight we went for meal though I did kind of feel like his best friend then a girl he seeing , we talk a lot though I don’t listen all the time , he came out with a cracker tonight he said “ it like we are playing monopoly and i have took all your houses an your stuck in jail don’t pass go , or collect £200 “ master hit the nail on the head .

He didn’t stay tonight not sure we he has gone swaps from friends to the girl he seen last night , though she just one of many it like a pattern he searching for hmm not sure but he defiantly looking in the wrong places , she wasn’t girlfriend material he had already told me her phone was going off and what do you expect of pof girls .

I know I was on it but within a week I had meet master an came off really it stuff like that don’t really interest me , I don’tdisagree with it im sure 5% of plenty of fish are looking for real thing though love does not happen over night , it something that grows between two people closeness , connected , feelings , being part of each others lives .

The days go by , it getting harder to control how I feel , it torments me sometimes keeping the balance from reality and this other side to life I lead, things change though one thing stays the same and that is how I would do anything for him .

Though im nothing to him just pawn to his game . Another thing I have noticed his demands are not as kinky ?? weather that cause he sleeping about or he losing his touch and his power over me I’m not sure .

I’ll think I will see how he plays it over next few weeks , I wish I knew all the things back when I met him that I no now sometimes , I would played things a lot differently , but one thing is for sure you can’t change the past , it’s who you are , who you become , you can’t live with regrets . So what a weekend time for bed I think will blog tomorrow . xx